One of my buddys is what you would call obese, I mean she probably doesn’t even weight that much, but it ‘s alot for her height and all she does is shovel food in her face, she taks about diets and healthy food choices one second and the next she’s making me drive her to Mcdonalds to get a Mcflurry. All my other friends make jokes about she’s a ‘fatty’ I wonder if they made jokes about me like that, when I weighed more. Or if they still do. I never want to be like that, a human dumpster for fast food. Gross. 

People who don’t have their stats displayed in an easy to view area, fuck you. I just really want to compare myself to you.

It’s so annoying having one of those ‘we all sit at the table and eat together’ families, like please, just let me starve, I don’t want your food or to have to sit in that vicinity of your faces as you shovel food in them. Nauseating. 

Today had been really tough, I caved and ate one pringle and mentally it feels like I’ve consumed the whole tube, usually if I was feeling low I would think “Hey, I’ve already failed by having one may as well eat the whole tube because I’m a fat failure and that’s what fat failures do, we eat”. No, I’m attempting to be strong, I will go to the gym today and I won’t eat anymore pringles and I’ll soothe my thoughts by watching the O.C and ogling Mischa Bartons fabulous body. 

I’ve been watching Supersize vs. Superskinny whenever I take a bite of food I think about one of the super sized people. 

My birthday is in two days, I’m afraid I’m going to be alone and fat. I don’t really have any good friends, I have people that tell me that they’re my friends only when I’m complaining about having no friends. I will not allow anybody to get close to me, and more or less I assume that people wouldn’t want to be close to me, because I’m so repulsive. I haven;t weighed myself in a couple of days, I’m super afraid I’ve gained a tonne of weight, I feel like I have anyway. I wish someone would actually take notice of the fact that I’m desperately lonely without making me feel pathetic. My ””’friends”” might send me a pity invitation to come out in town, but it’ll just be pity because I’m the token fat weird girl who gets left alone when they find guys or go dancing. I miss the guy that I used to hang out with, he’s with a skinnier girl now. I’m anxious my parents will ask me if i’m going out and If I say ‘no’ they’ll give me the sympathy look that makes me want to die. Skinny girls don’t have to deal with sympathy looks. The one person I want to talk to is the only person who’s more socially reclusive then me, and she’s hard to get a hold of. I really feel like I don’t have friends just ‘people I know’. I want my skin to drown in bones. I don;t want to out for dinner for my birthday, I don’t wat anyone to hug me. I don;t want facebook wall comments from people that I don;t talk to the other 365 days in the year. I want to talk to my friend whom I fucked things up with and shit’s heap awkward between us now, because I hate her friends so I lashed out at her. Another day of staying home for me tomorrow, I just want to sleep through the next week. I just want to sleep until all my fat is gone. I’ve been really sick lately so I’ve done the bare minimum of excercises and haven;t kept my calorie intake as low as I have liked, I’m dreading stepping on those scales tomorrow. Fuck my fat, fuck my lack of friends, fuck my birthday. 

being hungry hurts, wearing my corsets 23 hours a day hurts

but not doing any of this hurts even more…

I don’t hate anyone in the world as much as I hate my body.

I’ve lost 20lbs so why do I see no difference?
Oh yeah, because I’m still not skinny enough.