My birthday is in two days, I’m afraid I’m going to be alone and fat. I don’t really have any good friends, I have people that tell me that they’re my friends only when I’m complaining about having no friends. I will not allow anybody to get close to me, and more or less I assume that people wouldn’t want to be close to me, because I’m so repulsive. I haven;t weighed myself in a couple of days, I’m super afraid I’ve gained a tonne of weight, I feel like I have anyway. I wish someone would actually take notice of the fact that I’m desperately lonely without making me feel pathetic. My ””’friends”” might send me a pity invitation to come out in town, but it’ll just be pity because I’m the token fat weird girl who gets left alone when they find guys or go dancing. I miss the guy that I used to hang out with, he’s with a skinnier girl now. I’m anxious my parents will ask me if i’m going out and If I say ‘no’ they’ll give me the sympathy look that makes me want to die. Skinny girls don’t have to deal with sympathy looks. The one person I want to talk to is the only person who’s more socially reclusive then me, and she’s hard to get a hold of. I really feel like I don’t have friends just ‘people I know’. I want my skin to drown in bones. I don;t want to out for dinner for my birthday, I don’t wat anyone to hug me. I don;t want facebook wall comments from people that I don;t talk to the other 365 days in the year. I want to talk to my friend whom I fucked things up with and shit’s heap awkward between us now, because I hate her friends so I lashed out at her. Another day of staying home for me tomorrow, I just want to sleep through the next week. I just want to sleep until all my fat is gone. I’ve been really sick lately so I’ve done the bare minimum of excercises and haven;t kept my calorie intake as low as I have liked, I’m dreading stepping on those scales tomorrow. Fuck my fat, fuck my lack of friends, fuck my birthday. 

My reward for getting to my GW will be a tattoo. 

Intake today

So far
1 Banana = 72 cal.

3 litres of water = 0 cal

1 can pepsi max = 1 cal

Later on will probably have a SMALL PORTION (have to keep that work in my head) of stir fry veggies with chinese barbecue sauce  which I intend on purging.

I’ve never been able to wear a bikini, not in my life.

I feel like I’m on track for this summer.

I virtually live off, pepsi max, appetite suppressants, sugar-free lollies and caffeine pills. It feels healthier than eating. 

Ever since I started purging, I just look at bad foods and imagine what they would taste like on the way up.

And I have zero desire to go anywhere near them, no bad binging for me.

Today my friends got pizza

I just sat in the restaurant and had nothing but a pepsi max, temptation I have your number but I didn’t call you. So proud of myself. 

Looking at old pictures from when I ate whatever I want.

I was derpin’ hard with my fat arms, fuck. No better thinspo than progress.